


Anger Management

by loonyloopyluna



Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: Crack, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-17
Updated: 2017-08-17
Packaged: 2018-12-16 08:32:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,319
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11824971
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/loonyloopyluna/pseuds/loonyloopyluna
Summary: When the people of Paris learn to better control their emotions, Hawk Moth has to take whatever he can get. Even if the person's reasons for being angry are completely ridiculous.





	Anger Management

Ladybug and Chat Noir were on the news almost daily, but it was a rare event to see an actual, scheduled, official press conference. Needless to say, the crowd outside of City Hall was  _ enormous _ . The sidewalk was packed with a jostling crowd of people in press badges, and the street beyond had to be cordoned off to accommodate the police officers, civilians, and other passers-by that were in attendance.

At 10:32, André Bourgeois approached the podium alone and spoke into a thousand microphones at once.

“People of Paris,” he began. “Over the past several months, we have encountered a number of threats from an unprecedented villain. Hawk Moth is, quite simply, unlike anything our city has encountered before, and while he remains at large, every one of us is in danger. I’m sure we all know someone whose ear he has whispered into at some point. My own, dear daughter is among that number. Not a single person in this city is safe.

“Thankfully, we have our heroes to protect us. We must not overlook Ladybug and Chat Noir’s valiant work. But the fact of the matter is, for all their efforts, Hawk Moth still has not been caught, and though they can quickly handle the effects of his attacks, they have not figured out how to prevent them outright. My fellow Parisians, that duty must fall to us.”

“Where are Chat Noir and Ladybug, anyway?” a young voice piped up. The mayor turned his focus to the crowd, trying to pick out the voice’s source, and a hand shot up along the front row, holding up a press badge. “Alya Césaire, Ladyblog. If you’re going to be talking smack about them, shouldn’t they be here to defend themselves?”

The mayor bristled. “Young lady, I am not  _ insulting _ our heroes, I’m simply--”

“You just don’t think they can do the job?” another reporter called.

“Monsieur Mayor, how exactly is the average citizen more equipped to deal with this problem?” another asked. “Time and time again, we’ve seen that without the heroes’ superpowers, we are helpless.”

As the audience erupted into a hubbub, Alya gave the boy next to her triumphant smirk; without taking his eyes from his camera, they fistbumped. The mayor tried to regain the crowd’s composure, but it was too late--his voice wouldn’t rise above the questioning masses.

Then, just as suddenly as it had started, the clamor quieted as a dark figure landed on the roof of City Hall. An instant later, Chat Noir spun down his staff onto the ground, and he was quickly followed by Ladybug, who crested over the building’s roof and rolled into a neat landing on the stage platform.

“Sorry we’re late, Monsieur Bourgeois,” Ladybug said, brushing her bangs out of her eyes and snapping her yo-yo back into place around her waist.

“We got a little...caught up,” Chat agreed. “But everything’s fine now. Another day, another fight won, eh?” 

“I hope we didn’t miss anything too important?” Ladybug asked.

The mayor coughed. “No, no, not at all,” he replied. “Er, that is to say, I’d only just begun my speech.”

“Is this a skit?” someone yelled from the back of the crowd.

Chat laughed. “A skit? I’d like to think I could write a better script than this.” A few people in the audience joined in on his laughter. Ladybug discreetly elbowed her partner and darted her eyes towards the mayor; Chat winked, put one finger against his lips, and turned his body towards the podium, giving it his full attention.

The mayor coughed again, scanning through his notes. “Right. As I was saying… our duty… prevent outright… er, actually, please welcome our heroes now, to talk more about our new program.” He stepped back and gestured for them to take center stage, and the crowd applauded furiously.

Ladybug approached the microphone, while Chat gestured to a set of posterboards that were off to the side, on stands, with their faces hidden from view. As Ladybug began to talk, he flipped them over.

“Good morning, everyone,” Ladybug began. “Thank you all for coming today. As you know, we have been working with the mayor lately, in order to come up with a plan for how to best protect you, the people of our wonderful city. Hawk Moth and his akumas are a problem that aren’t going to go away anytime soon. Here, Chat Noir has compiled data over the last few months, tracking the number of weekly attacks over time.”

Chat flipped over the first board and gravely displayed a simple graph, with an thick black line that stayed steady for the first few points, but shot up wildly towards the end.

“See, here, he seemed to have doubled his efforts,” Chat said, pointing to the spike. “It began about a month and a half ago now, and is still going.”

Ladybug coughed awkwardly. “It appears our attempts to stop him directly are actually having the opposite effect.” 

“So that means it’s up to you!” Chat pointed out at the crowd dramatically, with a cheesy smile on his face. He flipped over the middle poster. It was a simple design; three smiley faces stacked together so they formed an upside-down triangle. The two on the top had splotches of color around their eyes; one red, one black. Surrounding this logo were the words “Paris Smiles.”

“Paris Smiles,” Ladybug read aloud. “It’s up to each of you to protect yourself. Staying positive is the best way to keep Hawk Moth away!” 

Chat flipped over his last poster. This one was hard to read from the audience, but it had a pair of columns listing a few bullet points each; one was labelled “Do,” and the other one, “Don’t.” 

Ladybug smiled out at the crowd. “Here, we’ve compiled a few simple tips for when something upsetting happens.”

Chat pointed at the first row of items. “ _ Do _ take a deep breath. Inhale for a slow count of five, and exhale for a slow count of ten.  _ Don’t  _ let yourself be taken over by your anger. Stop for a moment and pause before you do anything rash.”

“ _ Don’t _ isolate yourself,” Ladybug said. “I know it can be tempting to back away from the situation and take a moment to yourself, but from what we’ve seen, Hawk Moth usually only strikes when you’re alone.  _ Do _ use your words and confront the problem head-on, if possible. When you’re feeling upset, reach out to someone and explain why.”

“ _ Don’t  _ bottle up your feelings,” Chat said. “Many people may think that the best way to avoid becoming upset is to just not think about it, but this can actually be very dangerous. Ignoring the problem now doesn’t make it go away, and can in fact make you angrier over time.  _ Do _ remember to let your emotions run their course. This includes accepting feelings as they come, and letting things go when they’ve run their course. Holding a grudge can be just as dangerous in the long term as the short term.”

“Lastly,” Ladybug said, “ _ don’t _ despair;  _ do _ remain optimistic! It’s much harder to get upset if you stay positive. And even when you do get angry or sad, from what we’ve seen, you’re much less vulnerable!”

Chat skipped up to the microphone. “With the help of the mayor, we’re instituting a  _ massive _ program over the next few weeks. Teachers and supervisors and other authority figures will receive conflict-resolution and anger-management training videos to share and help  _ us _ help  _ you _ help millions of people!” He paused for a second, stringing it out into dramatic ending.

“And with that, this press conference is over,” the mayor said hastily. Ladybug raised her eyebrows in shock, but the reporters were already shouting in response. She hoped that they only sounded angry because they were loud; it was a lot to ask of people, and a strain on everyone’s time and resources. But unpopular as it may be, it was Ladybug and Chat Noir’s last shot.

* * *

Hawk Moth paced in his lair, sifting through the feelings that drifted through his thoughts like butterflies in the wind. Heightened empathy was, all in all, the most useful of his powers, and aided him greatly in finding easy prey for his akumas. But lately, it had been harder and harder to pick up on the seeds of discontent.

_ Aha! _ There! He felt a surge of fiery fury, and sent an akuma out to catch it before the fire went out. When the butterfly established a psychic link with his latest victim and told him of their plight, he groaned in exasperation. But he was desperate; this would have to do.

It was the first week of summer break, so thankfully neither Marinette nor Adrien were doing anything particularly important when they were nearly drowned in a sea of cats. At least they each managed to transform before they were carried away to meet their latest match.

Ladybug stood up and brushed the cat fur off her suit. “Evening, minou,” she said. The side street they had been carried down was full of swarming cats, but there were no other creatures to be seen. She supposed the villain of the week was waiting to make their dramatic entrance.

Chat sneezed a few times. “Evening, my lady.” He sounded miserable.

“Don’t tell me.” Ladybug tried not to snicker too loudly. “Are you allergic to cats?”

He crossed his arms. “Maybe.”

“But  _ you’re _ a cat!” She gave up trying to hide it, and let herself laugh at the irony. “How do you manage your kwami?”

“My kwami doesn’t shed,” Chat said defensively. He sneezed again. “Look, can we get rid of these cats? You can laugh later.”

“Sounds good to me,” she agreed. They stood back-to-back, scoping out the situation. “Still, you have to admit it’s funny.”

He snorted. “Yeah. I’d be-- _ achoo! _ \--laughing, if it wasn’t so annoying.”

A light flickered in the window of an apartment above them, and the window exploded outward. A tall young man in a bathrobe and steampunk-inspired goggles and boots landed heavily on the pavement, sending a few cats skittering away. He threw a duffel bag down on the ground and, with a manic grin, reached inside and pulled out a long, thin stick with a rotating blade on one end.

“Ladybug,” he said shortly. “Chat Noir. Are you here to take my cats, too?” He pressed a button on the side, and the blades began to whir softly.

Chat Noir put his hands up. “No,” he said soothingly. “We’re here to help.”

“Totally,” Ladybug agreed. One hand drifted towards her yo-yo, while the other was held up in a placating gesture.

The villain frowned. “Hmm. Well, if you want to  _ help… _ ” He switched off the device and tucked it in the pocket of his bathrobe. “I’ll take your miraculouses. We can make this easy.”

Ladybug frowned. Her eyes connected with her partners; they both pegged the strange stick as the source of the akuma, but with Chat’s eyes watering like crazy from cat dander, they had a distinct disadvantage. This man seemed high-strung, but surprise wasn’t an option.

“Look, uh, Catman, can you call off the kittens?” Ladybug asked. Chat sniffled pitifully; he was a cat, too, right? Maybe he had some power here.

“It’s Purrbert,” the villain corrected. “And no. The cats stay. They like shiny things, especially that ring your cat has.”

“Maybe we could trade?” Chat suggested. “ _ Achoo! _ My ring for your--”

“ _ No _ trades!” Purrbert snarled. “You can’t have them! They’re  _ my _ cats!”

“I was going to say your weird stick thing,” Chat mumbled, reaching for his baton. 

But Ladybug took advantage of the distraction and clocked Purrbert on the head with her yo-yo. He reeled backwards, and the stick flew out of his hands. Chat stepped forward to scoop it up, but a snarling cat blocked his path, and he had to admit defeat. In a few motions, Ladybug had picked it up, broken it in two, and purified the akuma.

Purrbert reverted back to his normal state: a young guy, probably college-aged, wearing a nyan cat shirt and sweatpants covered in cat hair. Ladybug looked down at the reformed object in her hand with a clearer eye.

“Is this… a mixer?” she asked. The guy looked more startled than anything, and simply scooped the nearest cat to his chest. She approached him cautiously and laid it down in the duffel bag he’d pulled it from. Sneaking a look inside, she saw that it was full of other small appliances: a food processor, an egg beater, and a blender, among others.

“Okay, I have to ask,” Chat blurted out. He sneezed a few more times, though most of the cats had begun to trickle away again after whatever magnetic force Purrbert had exuded was destroyed. “What’s your story?”

The guy pulled the cat closer and placed a protective hand around its head. “Um, my name’s Herbert.”

“Okay, Herbert, what’s the deal, though? Why a cat villain?”

Herbert sniffed. “Well, um, I just got home from university, and found out that my mom has been selling my cats on Craigslist to get money to buy new kitchen appliances.”

Ladybug stared at him. “You’re kidding.”

He looked offended. “No. It’s a very serious problem! I don’t even know where most of them are, anymore!” He was hyperventilating, now, and had to stop and calm himself down.

“...Right.” Ladybug looked at her partner uncomfortably. “Well, stay out of trouble, I guess.”

The two of them turned and began to walk away, but they’d barely gotten a block before they heard a roar, and twisted around to see Purrbert reformed.

“Man, Hawk Moth’s really scraping the bottom of the barrel, isn’t he?” Ladybug muttered.

Chat groaned and swiped a hand across his nose. “I’m going to need to stop for Benadryl on the way home after this.”

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for readng i honestly have no idea what this is but i found a bunch of out of context screenshots talking abt a shitty akuma oc named purrbert so here we are. thanks 2 the miracusquad for that


End file.
